Why Fight It?
by Jclimactic
Summary: Kate wants to talk? Why fight destiny any more? Castle sees his relationship history flash before his eyes as he heads out to the 'talk'.


**Disclaimer: Yeah right. I don't own Castle.**

**A/N: My first fanfic, my first written fiction in a couple of decades. I have a thick skin - don't worry, whatever your reaction you won't offend me. Have at it. If anyone does take the time to review, please, no spoilers.**

**Note [8/23/13]: Very modest edits for typos etc, just tidying up my mistakes.**

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Why fight it anymore? It is my destiny to come in second place, ranked below other things in the lives and priorities of the women I love and have loved. Every life has a story, and I have always wanted to discover it in others, perhaps simply seeking to deny the reality I hope not to face in my own.

I have dreamed so often of being first, being wanted, not being rejected - and each time I have been disappointed and hurt by the the final outcome. I can no longer fight this pattern, it is simply time to just accept it. In doing so though, if I am to be a second rate priority in another's life even though I place them above all else, well I so desperately want to be second place to something extraordinary. In that at least I might find some level of fulfillment, the crumbs of the exceptional that I can claw free can surely satisfy my longing more so than the completeness of anything ordinary.

I know now what I must do - to ever hope to achieve happiness I have to throw myself all in, to not hold back and hope that is enough to convince her how much I love her, am committed to her, and that I am worthy of some fragment of her in return.

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My destiny, that of being second place in any relationship, honestly became clear to me years ago. It all starting with my Mother.

Certainly Mother had a difficult time, single mother, struggling actress, broadway diva. She did lose interest in me very early though, dragged me from rehearsal to show, from theatre to stage. A Broadway baby waiting for his mother to have time to spend with him. I just don't think she found the young me particularly interesting. Such as her attention was, she ceases extending it to my relationships early too - if such can be called relationships when I was an eleven year old.

At the first opportunity I was shipped off to boarding school so I would further cease to be a distraction for her. No father, an absentee mother for much of my youth - really I lacked a childhood until I could afford to live it myself, no wonder I turned out the way I did.

Now I suppose I try to make up for it, now that I'm interesting to her I love being around her; just too bad I was a afterthought to her career for so many years first.

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My first true love, Kyra, was just further proof I suppose. We dated for three years, invested time spent together, both exerted huge effort for long time to make everything work between us. In the end though I came in second once again as she ran off to take time for herself, it was her life to reconcile with her desires and her parental approval. Our relationship would have to wait for her personal realizations to become firm. That is certainly not unreasonable, I never wanted to be her reason for existence, just her partner in life.

Ultimately the relationship with Kyra failed when she walked away from me, too wrapped up in keeping the approval of her mother and father to take a risk on us. I didn't follow, though years after she left me she did hint perhaps if I had chased her it would have been enough to overcome her first loyalty to her mother. I am happy for her now, but still bear the scars today of never being enough, coming second to a desire for parental approval.

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Meredith. What can I say about the deep fried Twinkie? Perhaps the biggest of my many mistakes, but also the one I regret least. Without Meredith there would be no Alexis - and there is no amount of pain or suffering I would not undergo for my precious, precocious daughter.

Of course, the Twinkie started out as nothing but a rebound, recovery after a while from the still lingering pain of Kyra. I certainly was holding back from Meredith at the beginning, after all she was just a salve to my wounds, a bit of fun to look forward to after a hard day of writing and rejection letters. After all those "Mr. Castle, We regret to..." the complete lack of rejection from Meredith as she so loved play with her kitten was an emotional high. In hindsight it was nothing more than a lack of physical rejection I was seeking and receiving, there was certainly no emotionally lasting commitment on her part. Little did I know that at the time.

When we discovered the pregnancy I cannot in all honesty say that at that time I was happy. I am a man who faces his responsibilities, and so I proposed. Was it for the right reason? Absolutely - I desperately wanted to make a family, and I did care for Meredith. Truly love her? I don't know? Did she truly love me? I doubt it. In the end though we both bit the bullet, and became engaged - though an engagement does not mean the parties are actually invested in each other. Why did Meredith accept when her heart was elsewhere? I still do not know to this day.

Where was the heart of that witch hidden? Well I found that out later. She cheated on me, and I suspect by the time I found out that it was not a recently started pattern. I am not sure I could ever forgive that - and I so hope to never be tested so again. Meredith eventually served the divorce papers though, so I never really had to decide: forgive and forget, or fester and hate. Not while married at least, as mother of the pumpkin of my heart I forgave her: it who she is and I couldn't really expect her to change for me.

Her cheating was not for the result of being starved for affection, and Meredith so desperately needs affection. No, we had plenty of top ten moments keep her happy in that regard even back then. She slept with a casting director - not for sex, not for affection - but for a job. To her the next job, the better job, had to come before loyalty to me, her daughter, her family.

Ultimately the relationship with Meredith failed because she cheated, but she cheated not for sex but to advance her career. Rejected me with divorce papers so she could move on to something more, to bigger and better roles for her.

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I only have myself to blame for Gina, both times really. Even a blind man could see that Gina was first and foremost focused on her career. I simply represented an opportunity for that to advance, first as my publicist and then moving on to bigger and better things as my editor at Black Pawn. Where would she be today if she had not ridden the opportunities she had for all she was worth? I do not know, I do not care; I wish her the best of luck so long as our lives remain purely professionally intertwined from now on.

The first time we got together, if a blind man could see it, well why could I not? I was hurting, still recovering from the aftermath of Meredith and the Twinkie coma she had induced in me. The sugar rush was a huge high, the crash spectacular, bouncing right through the beds of countless faceless women - right into the arms of the waiting opportunist that was Gina.

Truly, I think I knew even at the beginning, that she was just a phase - something that would pass. I never let her into Alexis's life, never let her be a mother to Alexis, whom I am so protective of. That should have been the warning sign to me even then - it was surely a huge red flag for Gina who knew in that protection that's was holding my self and family back from her.

The second time was a huge mistake of Godzilla-like proportions, we never had a chance and I suppose really I never wanted us to have a chance with my heart already yearning to be elsewhere. So why, oh why would I subject myself to the editor harpy a second time? Same reason as the first time - a heart crushed by a relationship. Not a failed one that time but one that ever had been.

Ultimately the relationship with Gina failed both times because neither of us were really in it: we were just using each other. Gina focused on investing everything in her career and me in just having company if I could not fine love.

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Such a complicated relationship have I had with Kate. To be fair, at first I had only what could most loosely be called a relationship and that was with Beckett. I really didn't meet Kate until much later.

At first I simply lusted after her, she is so very, very hot. Quickly though, that grew into so much more as my appreciation for how extraordinary a life she has suffered through. The loss of her mother, and certainly my poking around in that case at the beginning triggered our first blow up. That was all on me - sometimes my desire to know the story has a downside, and Beckett tossing me from the precinct back then was certainly a downside. I missed her during that summer, I was and am sorry for what I did back then.

The next year I felt we were getting closer, until the summer started approaching and Tom Demming came on the scene. Then everything fell apart again. I don't blame Demming in this - who wouldn't want Kate? He asked, I told him we were not involved - in all things he was up front and honest with me. It still hurts though, to know even now that she chose a weekend in Aspen with Tom rather than a weekend in the Hampton's with me. I know that is not fair to her - she chose to spend time away from work with her boyfriend, time away she told me she did not have available. Chose to invest herself more completely in that relationship, and that sort of loyalty and commitment I can respect. Perhaps we weren't ready back then anyway, we would perhaps have burnt brightly and faded away - but perhaps that is what was meant to be.

Some time over the summer she apparently burnt out with Tom too, and then we all found out later that she'd hooked up with Doctor Motorcyle Boy. Now him I didn't like, he didn't deserve her, never invested his time in her, never made her a priority. Instead, his job, jetting off all over always came first for him, resulting in so little time for them to really grow or establish themselves as a real couple. Even Kate eventually grew to hate it - perhaps hate is too strong and I am projecting here. She told me she wanted a relationship where she could have someone be there for her and they would let her be there for them, want her to be there for them: and Josh never gave her that opportunity. She's tenacious though, when she wants to work at something she doesn't give up easily. I never thought she loved Josh, but every time he made that little bit more of an effort she's give him another chance and be there for him once again.

I cannot recall a more scary experience as the day she was shot. There was so much blood. Honestly? The though of losing her destroyed all my inhibitions: I loved her, and could no longer stop the word from pouring forth from my heart. That was perhaps the true beginning of our relationship right there, despite her still being involved with Josh, despite our prior kiss. The 'I love you Kate' was just the beginning.

Perhaps I had hoped that patience would win the day for me with Kate. She asked for time and I let her lead, let her grow into emotions she seemed so unfamiliar with. I feared pushing forward would drive her away, and perhaps it would; nonetheless holding back and waiting for her seems to also have ultimately had that feared result.

In my actions I hoped to show her how much I loved, but those actions seemed to fall so often on barren ground. Being there for her seems not to have been understood, coming back to her as the end closed in did not seem to communicate my commitment and love either.

I want more certainly, but will have to abide by her decision regarding how much she is willing to give; I will accept anything from her. Anything, no matter how little.

One last chance, that's all I have - no more time for subtlety, no more time for gentle hints through action. Regardless that I will probably always be second in her life: that will be enough for me, with her being second is worth it in a way it never was before.

One last chance to communicate what she means to me.

One last chance for words, and a ring.


End file.
